Elitist Book Reviews

Here are the contest results and we, to put it simply, had a blast reading all of your submissions. There were a handful of potential winners that we debated back and forth in deciding who would be declared the winner. So without further ado we give you:

Meg! You are the grand prize winner and will be receiving the ARC of I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER. For the rest of you, here is her submission.

1. If Steve could be a classic horror monster, what would he be?
c) a were-unicorn. What is more horrifying than that? (and Nick, I'm sorry but if you can possibly qualify as a "classic" horror monster then a were-unicorn can too.)

2. Steve's favorite food is:
e) Me. I'm very tasty.

3. Nick Prefers:
e) Let’s not get picky now…all of the above! (But this sadly forgot to mention calico and every other hue imaginable:)

4. Steve has a cameo in a book as a:
a) Corpse. (I don't really know but its by far the most interesting...)

5. How many kids does Nick have?
f) He’s aware of a “few” potentials, but the DNA results are still pending… Bwahahahahaha! Jk. that would be sad.

6. If Nick was an RPG character, what would his skills and traits be? skills: growing damned delicious facial hair. Traits: a natural swagger that makes him impossible to catch and will invariably set you two levels back if you try to mimic it.

7. Nick looks like a Arabian God.

8. Nick is a sexy beast.

9. Nick's idea of Hell is a world without good books, and women. In that order.

10. Nick's superpower is smoldering persuasion.

11. Steve is really good at torturing suspense.

12. If Steve was a pro-wrestler what would his name be? OBLITERATOR

13. Steve is bloody convincing as a toothfairy but does reasonably well as a goopy
black demon. (Remember, analogies are your friend.)

14. Steve's favorite past time is giggling, its rather fetching too. Downright adorable I'd say.

15. Steve's best quality is the glistening dome that is the case to his brilliant brain.

16. When playing against Nick, Steve will never win a game of duck-duck goose. Nick is dodgy.

17. The thing Nick hates more than anything else is cancerous food. maybe.

Essay Questions(100 words or less):
1. Why is Elitist Books Reviews the best review site around? (If you say it isn’t, you automatically fail the test, and we will send ninja-zombies after you.)

Although I could take your flimsy ninja-zombiezzz any day of the week, in rather skimpy leather outfits i might add, I'll agree that elitist books reviews is indeed the best review site around. That is, its most likely the only review site I have ever sought out intentionally and that alone says much for its dazzling quality. Another reason is because I know I can trust the taste of said reviewers. Screw the 100 words or less, I'm not counting that. It's probably only fifty anyhow. That's reason enough. If you're not satisfied I'll bring you a special brownie or something but don't push it.

2. Why should we give you a free Advance Reader Copy (ARC) of Dan Wells’ novel, I AM NOT A SERIAL KILLER instead of your competition?

BECAUSE I AM DYING TO KNOW HOW IT EFFING ENDS!!!!!! GAWD. JUST DRIP VIRUS INFECTED BLOODY PUSS INTO MY EYE AND THE TORTURE WILL STILL NOT BE AS CRUSHING AS HAVING TO WAIT ANY LONGER.

3. Extra Credit: Write an intro to a SF/F or Horror novel, with Slamel and Bookstore Guy as the main characters (Hey. Its our website, and we set the rules here. And yes, those must be the names used.). 200 words or less here folks. Make it short and sweet. Make it short and bitter. We don't care, as long as it is short and it makes us laugh.

-Slamel hated his guts more that the cat that had pissed on a strategically placed spot just outside his apartment. Bookstore Guy unfailingly sat snug in Slamel's spot for the fifth time in two weeks. The bastard had seen him sitting in that oh so glowingly lit plush chair too. They were both regulars at the bookstore cafe so the deliberateness of this usurper was unquestionable. Slamel was fed up. He approached the loathed Bookstore Guy and sternly cleared his throat. That was when he noticed that Bookstore Guy was staring in confused horror at something behind him. Slamel whirled around and saw...nothing. Bookstore guy laughed at Slamels pissed-off expression and said, "You see, I'm the scariest thing here anyhow." Then he calmly slid his eyes back into his brain and down into his mouth where he grinned and waggled his tongue between the eye balls being jauntingly juggled back and forth. Slamel gently slumped forward in a dignified faint. Bookstore Guy caught him deftly and moved toward the exit muttering something about panty-waists.

A few fun facts and statistics:

For whatever reason a high number of you chose to make us kill each other in the extra credit section. You know, we are actually friends. We hardly ever have violent tendencies towards each other…except on weekends…and some weekdays (like 5 of them). Here is the final score based on kills of the other reviewer:

Slamel -- 38.5 (the .5 refers to one where Bookstore Guy was dead, but it wasn’t entirely clear if Slamel was the cause of said condition)
Bookstore Guy -- 7.3 (he's a little bummed at these results, but in one submission he did turn into a monster and make Slamel faint...that's the .3)
Tie -- 2 (don’t ask…)

Nick has the reputation of a womanizer, and no one has a clue what "were" monster Steve wants to be (though the guesses were mostly hilarious).

We are more important to most of you than your family and friends. Thank you.

The threat of ninja-zombie assassins is quite potent. (Except for Meg who has demonstrated her zombie genocidal skills.)



Some of our favorite answers from all of your submissions:

Q1:
C) A were-rabbit with sharp pointy teeth *insert two-fingered fang gesture here*
C) A were-munchkin. Seriously, can you think of anything scarier? I sure can't.
C) A were-unicorn. What is more horrifying than that? (I'm sorry but if "Nick" can possibly qualify as a "classic" horror monster then a were-unicorn can too.)
C) A were-zombie
Note: Nick had to convince Steve that he couldn't give the ARC to this entry based exclusively on the were-zombie answer
C) A WereMustang. Get it? Classic? Har har har. Besides, who doesn't want to turn into a sexy car once every lunar cycle. Vroom vroom, baby."
(Vroom vroom is right Madison.)

Q2:
E) You...well, I am Mexican, and everyone knows we have the best food. It's only logical that we taste just as good.
F) Nick's brains...Steve is a zombie after all.
E) Steve's favorite food is obviously (E) me, because I'm 100% guaranteed to be more delicious than your average extranational. French excluded, if you are in the mood for cheese.

Q3:
F) Stephanie Meyer...wait...
F) Anyone whose first name isn't Terry...
E) Let's not get picky now... all of the above! (and preferably at the same time)

Q4:
Steve has a cameo in a book as the corpse of a hot dog vendor whose cartoonist girlfriend enlists the help of a hard-nosed journalist to track down the stay-at-home mom who murdered Steve for his immense fortune. Those were good hot dogs, mate.

Q5:
B) 1 - Nick, I know this may not be the best way to give you the news, but I have something I need to tell you...

Q6:
He would be an amnesiac with really spiky blond hair, and emo attitude without actually saying anything, an ability to carry an 8-foot-long sword with toothpick arms and...oh wait, Nick's traits? I thought you said Cloud from FF7...

Well that depends entirely on what you mean by RPG. Rocket-Propelled-Grenade? Blowing things up with his head. Randomly-Prescient-Gnu? Eating your socks before your wife finds them bunched up in the kitchen sink. Recycled-Poppy-Glue? Making you hallucinate about broken glass, twisted soda cans, and an old lady with soggy dentures trying to kiss you.

Q7:
Nick looks like a human being, despite the experiments.
The love child of Stevie Nicks and Thomas Jefferson.
A slightly less handsome (and distinctly more middle-eastern) version of Steve.

Q8:
Nick is a Rock Band beast (How did you know!?)

Q9:
Nick's idea of Hell is getting some tongue from Terry Goodkind
Nick's idea of Hell is a world without good books, and women. In that order.

Q10:
Doll painting.
(They're action figures!!!!)
Licking hot girls and getting away with it

Q11:
Holding tea-parties with the dolls Nick painted... (see above)
Ignoring Nick while he uses his superpower (see above again)
Making single women feel uncomfortable.

Q12:
The Book Burner
The Goatee
Steven Erikson

Q13:
Steve is as fancy as a high-class hooker with a nasty blow habit
Steve is (almost) as pretty as Nick
Steve is as limber as a Chinese finger puzzle

Q14:
Steve's favorite past-time is giggling, it's rather fetching too. Downright adorable I'd say.
Trying to figure out what the **** those fast-talking Gilmore Girls are actually saying.

Q15:
Steve's best quality is his humility.
Steve's best quality is his arrogance (hmm).
Steve's best quality is his back hair.

Q16
Friends: The Trivia Game.
Twilight Imperium...PDS pewpewpew!
(Steve is pretty sure Nick fed this answer to the person who submitted it)

Q17
That time when he left a copy of Twilight and Wizard's First Rule sitting on top of each other and they had a baby. He hates that baby. Oh how he hates it.

Essay 1:
Although I could take your flimsy ninja-zombiezzz any day of the week, in rather skimpy leather outfits I might add...
Note: The full answer to this question, submitted by our winner, was quite a bit longer, but we couldn't manage to get past the leather-outfit part without getting distracted.

Essay 2:
You should give me an ARC because if you don’t I will post on tha intaweb that you are two lonely but lovely vampires in search of a date.

Well, mostly because I need it so I can use the excuses therein as a cover for my actual serial-killing. I swear, I’ll be you guys’ personal Dexter if you give it to me. If you don’t, I’ll simply add you two and the person you gave it to to my list

Essay 3:
Slamel paused just a second before he slammed the clip into his .50 Desert Eagle and blew his ex-girlfriend’s nose through the back of her head. He felt a slight pang as her skull imploded but what could he have done? He always thought that they might get back together one day but he now realized that that was just wishful thinking.
That’s what happens when you turn into a zombie, he thought a little wistfully.
“Was that last one Karen?” yelled Bookstore Guy from across the room where he was boarding up the windows.
“Probably,” Slamel shouted back. “Hard to tell.”
“Hard to tell? I’d recognize that nose anywhere.”
“Screw you. You finished with those windows yet?”
Bookstore Guy paused as he drove home the few remaining nails and then turned, flourishing his hammer.
“Yep.”
“Good. That’ll slow ‘em down, but it won’t stop ‘em for long. We need to get to that boat.”
“You hold them off here for a sec, I’ll just run upstairs and grab the C4. If we don’t run in to too many groups, we should be able to make it by-” Bookstore Guy’s voice cut off in a strangled gasp as a mottled gray fist shattered one of the boards and latched on to his shoulder, yellowed nails sinking deep into the muscles of his arm.
“Slamel!” Bookstore Guy screamed as he was inexorably dragged backwards. “Get it off me!”
Slamel raised his gun, paused and pumped two rounds into Bookstore Guy’s chest. He turned and ran out the door, but not before he saw the shocked look in Bookstore Guy’s eyes.
Oh well, Slamel thought as he made his way towards the boat. That’s what happens when you turn into a zombie.