Elitist Book Reviews

When talking to authors I know, I hear frequently of that moment when several seemingly unrelated ideas come together. They become a “perfect storm” of sorts, and often lead to an amazing novel.

Unfortunately, BREATHLESS, by Dean Koontz, doesn’t meld separate ideas into a perfect storm. The result is more like…a perfect train wreck.

Let me state, for the record, that I actually enjoy some the stories that Koontz writes. I can appreciate the transition he made into straight-forward thrillers that he has published recently (VELOCITY, THE GOOD GUY, THE HUSBAND). Personally, I enjoyed ODD THOMAS. Are they the best novels? No. Do they serve a purpose in my reading schedule? Definitely. Every now-and-again I need light reading. Dean Koontz usually can usually fill that role.

But BREATHLESS? Man. It was just bad.

Surely you can hear the built-in marketing campaign that comes with the title of the novel? The new Dean Koontz novel will leave you…BREATHLESS! How I wish that were true. Bored? Check. Bewildered (in the bad way)? Check. Disappointed? Double-check. Breathless? Not even close…unless you count the aftermath of my screaming in frustration at having to finish this book.

BREATHLESS starts out fine…good even. We are introduced to a few characters that are decent, and that are put in interesting situations. The main inciting event deals with Grady Adams, an ex-military type, and his dog, Merlin (it’s a Dean Koontz novel, of course the PoV has a dog), as they discover a pair of unexplainable animals in the field by their (Adams’ and his dog’s) home. I don’t want to go into it too much, because the mystery behind these animals is the driving force of the story--well, what little of it there is. We also are introduced to Camillia Rivers, a local veterinarian with a dark past (are there any other kind in a Koontz novel?), who also gets involved with these two mystery animals. For the mandatory Dean Koontz creepy character, we get Henry. His opening chapters were great. All of this stays entertaining for approximately 100 pages.

And then we meander. Endlessly.

The pasts of the characters, rather than actually adding to the story, are just there as filler. They don’t actually influence anything. Being paper-thin would be an improvement over what we get here. As we move along, we are introduced to more characters that serve no purpose in the story, and whose resolutions are solved with Deus Ex Machina. On character in particular, Tom Bigger, reminded me instantly of the characters I hated in Stephen King’s THE STAND. You know, the ones that wander endlessly. Doing nothing.

Kind of like the last two-thirds of this novel I am reviewing.

The realization I came to upon finishing the novel, is that this was just a conglomerate of unrelated novellas and short stories that are forced together through contrived, thin plot threads. Leftovers (and not in the good, Thanksgiving way). Henry’s story meets with that of Grady and Camilla for a whole paragraph. Tom’s never meets that of the main characters (his resolution is the Deus Ex). It was infuriating, to say the least.

The writing? It was your typical Dean Koontz. If you like his writing style, then you will like the writing style of BREATHLESS. The book itself will probably only be enjoyed by the most die-hard Koontz fans, and even then it’s no sure-thing.

BREATHLESS just isn’t good. The idea is marginally interesting. The characters are worse than paper-thin. The cohesion between plot-threads is absurd where it even exists at all. The ending is anti-climatic and rushed. This should have been a novel to grab new readers, but instead it will push them away.

The good news? I only paid $8 for the hardback due to the ridiculous Amazon vs. Walmart price war (huzzah!). And no, it still wasn’t worth it (booooooo!). Also, this isn’t typical of Dean Koontz. BREATHLESS is an aberration. I fully expect a new novel shortly that will get him back on-track. At least I hope this will be the case. I need my simple novels after reading guys like the awesome Erikson.

That said, don’t read BREATHLESS. It just isn’t worth it. Be grateful I read it for you.

Content: I've simplified it for you this time. There’s nothing here that would offend a reader…well, except for the book itself…

Sometimes, no matter how much you like an author, their latest book ends up being a disappointment. NEUROPATH, by R. Scott Bakker, fit that description for us. As you all well know, we love his Prince of Nothing series. NEUROPATH is Bakker's attempt to put his spin on the thriller genre.

It is evident within the first 20 pages (probably less to most people) that Neuropath is written with a very strong bias and moral (if there is such a thing...dun dun DUN) bent. This book, while a mystery/thriller, is not the typical fare in the genre. There are lengthy discourses about free will vs. determinism, what free-will is exactly, identity issues, and the possibilities of contemporary neuroscience.

Perhaps, before going on, we should reassure readers that the questions and information Bakker poses in this novel are presented (purposefully) in a way that makes them seem, not only plausible, but probable. However, contemporary neuroscience cannot do what is inferred within the context of the story. We want to give this reassurance because this book is scary. Very. Scary. It is the most dismal, disturbing, and gut-wrenching fiction book we have read in a long time. The only things we have read that have topped on the uncomfortable stomach-turning scale have been nonfiction.

NEUROPATH follows the Point of View of Tom Bible, a psychologist. If you have read Bakker before, the profession of the PoV should come as no surprise. Tom is divorced with two kids, and his relationship with his ex-wife is seriously strained. The main plot of the story focus on Tom helping the FBI find his friend Neil, who has been working with the NSA, manipulating terrorist's brains in an effort to accumulate intelligence to save lives, and a topic of debate between the characters called The Argument. Tom's friend has apparently gone off the deep-end, and is abducting and torturing innocent people by scrambling their brain functions to his own design.

It's a twisted, and seriously awesome concept. However, as with most things in life, it's the execution that matters. Bakker dropped the ball here. If you have been keeping up with EBR, you know it breaks our heart to say it, but it's true.

While Nick loved the book, it wasn't at all because the book was well done. It was the questions the book asked. Steve was so disgusted by the way the questions were handled he couldn't enjoy it.

The main PoV, Tom, dominates just about every page in almost every chapter with the
discourses of The Argument, what it is, what it means, and why it is important. For Nick, this was, despite uncomfortably biased (reminding him of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged), extremely fascinating and prompted several discussions with coworkers and friends where he took Tom's and Neil's side. For Steve, this was simply torturous maid and butler exposition.

The first time this kind of thing happened, we could forgive it, because it was written so well. After happening a few dozen times, however, it tended to rub us wrong. Essentially, it is as if we the readers are reading a transcribed conversation between a psychology professor and his unconvinced student. The concepts are explained well, and the writing is fantastic, but the simple fact that Bakker is "telling vs. showing" is extremely problematic.

The tone of the novel is VERY bleak. Probably not more so than any of Bakker's other works, but it feels like it because of the contemporary setting. There is a line in the novel where a character states, "I don't like happy endings." That is a pretty clear indicator of how things are going to go. Look, we like grim and gritty--if you haven't figured this out by now, you haven't been paying attention. Shame on you. NEUROPATH was too bleak for Steve, Nick thought the tone was perfectly set. Abductions and murders that happen are very well done, but the ending of the novel will leave you feeling...sick. Not to mention that you can know for a fact that if Bakker had written more past the last page, it would have gotten worse yet. When you match all that with the hopeless nihilistic philosophy saturating the novel, it's hard to like it. In the end, this caused Steve's dislike. If you aren't one to enjoy psychological and philosophical debates, that can't be ended or decided, you will not enjoy this book. If you are like Nick and the ending leaves opportunity to discuss the content, and debate it, and pore over your own thoughts and opinions on the matter, you will put the book down feeling much more fulfilled.

There are plenty of twists and turns, and some come with a pleasant surprise, but most felt a little too convenient, perfect, or forced. As expected in a thriller, characters do stupid things so that the plot can move forward and the conflict can be cultivated. We know that's part of the genre. Doesn't mean we have to like it. And we don't. The side stories going on the in the book do very little other than provide thin reasons why the FBI resources are spread so thin. Specifically, a side plot about a serial killer named The Chiropractor. When you have a story about one antagonist, and there is a side story about another, you know exactly what is going to happen it is inevitable (picture us doing Agent Smith's voice right now). When he does finally show up, there is no wow factor or surprise, more like a "Well...finally" kind of feeling.

Steve didn't like the novel, but he didn't hate it. Nick like the theme, ideas, and questions, enough to like the novel, but appreciates and agrees with why Steve was disappointed. Bakker is a seriously gifted writer. He manages to explain everything in perfect clarity. Considering the deep topics, his writing makes them easily understandable, and makes the pace move along fantastically. We just couldn't like the execution of a terrific premise, and in Steve's case the tone of the novel. This novel really should have been so much...more.

Another issue, that needs to be mentioned outside of the content ratings section because of its prevalence, is Bakker making females into over-sexualized objects. You know the instant a female main character shows up that she will be involved in some sort of sexual relationship with the main PoV. The scenes are graphic, but unlike the Prince of Nothing series, they don't seem to have much point other than shock-value. His characters in NEUROPATH seem to end up in porn-movie scenarios. They are, in a word, absurd.

If you really dig psychological and philosophical debates and concepts, you may enjoy this novel, you may not, but you WILL enjoy the questions that are posed. If you are really into Bakker, you may enjoy the book if can overlook its flaws. But this is easily his weakest effort at story-telling. Not to mention, the graphic content could easily turn off a majority of people.

Recommended Age: 18 and up for the graphic content and the concepts.
Language: This is an R. Scott Bakker novel. Tons. And. Tons.
Violence: Yeah, and some of it is meshed with sex. The parts not mixed with sex are very, very well done.
Sex: Lots. And it all feels cheap and unnecessary. We are starting to worry about Bakker's wife.

While at World Fantasy I had the pleasure to meet, and speak to, Mark Teppo. One of our friends, Kat Richardson, kept telling Steve and I that we had to meet him. She couldn't say enough good things about him and his writing. So the search for the man began. After finally finding him, Steve and I both agreed that he was one of the coolest people at the convention, and we couldn't wait to read LIGHTBREAKER his book. Conveniently, it was given to us for free while at the convention.

I read and loved, with certain reservations, Orson Scott Card's EMPIRE. So when I found out there was a sequel pending for imminent release I was excited to see how the franchise was handled.

If you haven't read EMPIRE, here's a quick rundown. The possibility of a civil war, in America today, becomes very real when the President and all his staff are assassinated. Reuben and Cole become pawns in a conspiracy to an American revolution. The ending leaves us with a Princeton professor leading both the Democratic and Republican parties, and taking the office of the President with more than just a few suspicious events to those with a keen eye (Read: The main characters) in his resume.

HIDDEN EMPIRE picks up three years after EMPIRE left off, with more of the exploits of Captain Cole, Cessy Malich, Averell Torrent and Reuben's jeesh. The jacket of the book talks about President Torrent, and how Cessy and Cole are the only ones who can bring his machinations to light. The story was something of a surprise. After EMPIRE ended, and after reading the book jacket, it was obvious what the plot of this sequel would be, or so I thought. In the opening chapter of this book that all changed when the readers are exposed to Africa and a new epidemic of civilization-crushing proportions.

Wait. What about Torrent? Exactly. What about him? Tracking down evidence of his dangerous ambitions and the means he uses to certain ends is only a very small part of the plot. The majority is spent in Africa dealing with the outbreak of the deadly virus, and the government there.

That said, I have to admit I admire Card for his strict adherence to the story he chose and the necessity of the plot, no matter how painful. Now, I don't mean painful in the way of Dan Brown or the Terrys. I mean painful in the way of when Wash dies in the movie Serenity (seriously, the statute of limitations on this movie is long past). There were some moments that were pretty wrenching, and perfectly done.

While Card adheres to the story wonderfully, he breaks convention in other ways. For example, it is common knowledge that thrillers are very character light (If you didn't know this before, you're officially part of the "In-the-know" group. Welcome). However, Card delivers a political thriller that, while not character dense, has some decent progression in that regard.

There is an excellent use of moral viewpoints from the characters. Meaning there isn't a lot of gray area here, and a lot of very defined black and white, but everyone's view on what is black and white is different. It was very cool to see an interesting perspective like this in a day when gray morality is king. The main characters think what they do is good, and know that what the antagonists do is fueled by their reasoning that they, themselves, are good.

A couple gripes I had about the book were fairly large and irritated me all the way through, and some of them have been the criticisms that Card always gets, and is probably used to.

The main one is: Why is it so impossible for Card to write a believable viewpoint for a child. OK impossible may be the wrong word--Chinma could very well be accurate--but the rest of the kids drive me crazy. In what world can a 10 year old debate politics with her Advisor-to-the-President mother, and come out ahead? In what world can a 10 year old comment on the particulars of life in Africa with irony and sarcasm? Seriously Card? Every single one of Cessy Malich's five children border on genius. They make Cessy, who is supposed to be brilliant, look foolish a number of times. I find it interesting that all these years after Ender we are still subject to Card's inability to write the viewpoint of children. I think that Card knew he needed to have Cessy show her thoughts and feelings through dialog, and there was no one to fit that role, so he forced the kids into that shape. They swing back and forth between irritatingly childish and political masterminds. This was seriously disappointing. It wasn't until the end when the story left the younger kids and focused on Mark and Chinma that it became believable.

Speaking of the dialog with Cessy. The next biggest complaint was the fact that she starts talking to Chinma (who is a native African), in English, which is his fourth language by the way. No big problem here, until you actually see the implementation. We are shown multiple times Chinma's inability to speak English very well, such as not knowing simple words, like fever. Yet Cessy talks to him about infanticide, and abortion, and gives detailed history lessons of Christian behavior, and while he may not agree with what she is saying, he certainly understands it. Get a hold of your dialog Card, so I can retain hold on my sanity! This is just sloppy.

Oh yeah. So is messing up the name of one of the pivotal characters in the first book. Her name is DeeNee, Card, not DeeDee. This kind of mistake doesn't speak well for the editing done for this book. It only happens once, but was noticeable enough that I pulled EMPIRE off my shelf to make sure I wasn't mistaken.

The last big issue I had with the book was that writers choose their words carefully, and Card has included enough very specific phrases that are acerbic enough to make sure this novel, a thriller, remains politically charged, and only for that reason it would seem.

There was one final part of the novel that rubbed the wrong way. It was the obligatory "Africa-scenes". I get why Card set the majority of the story in Africa (though I think it would have been interesting to be daring and set it elsewhere), because it created all sorts of moral and political dilemmas. I also get why he included the "Africa-scenes", which include tossing an infant in the air to use as target practice with an automatic rifle, the village raid complete with rape (though, this is never actually happens on screen), etc, but I also wonder if they were needed.

The book is an extremely quick read, about three hours worth. When I put the book down I had, at the same time, a desire for more about Torrent and his political machinations, and a feeling of satisfaction for what the book did include. (Conflicted! Such drama!)

Will you like the book?
If you're a fan of Card, this is fairly standard fare for him, so you will know what to expect. If you are a fan you will like this book. It's basically Tom Clancy-Lite, with better, and more interesting characters and resolution. If you like the political thriller genre, chances are you will be entertained.

Card's website is here, go check it out, and give him props for a, despite it's flaws, really good book.

First off, Kris, we want to thank you for taking the time to chat with us a bit. As per tradition here at Elitist Book Reviews, we want to give you a chance to brag a bit. Tell us (and our readers, of course) what makes you an awesome author. Don’t hold back, modesty isn’t allowed.

Wow. This isn’t in my nature. Tried answering this question twice and found that my Midwestern upbringing and my natural reticence make it impossible to do. So gee, I guess, um…all I can say is read my stuff and find out.

Why don’t you give our readers a bit of your writing history.

I started writing really young (my first story finished at age 7). When I was 12, my brother gave me a subscription to Writer’s Digest, and that set me on the road to professional writing. I started writing nonfiction professionally at 16 when I did the high school column for the local paper (and got paid for it!), and sold my first small press short story at 22. Sold my first professional short story at 25 and my first novel, The White Mists of Power, at 29. I haven’t looked back since.

How about we chat a bit about your novel, DIVING INTO THE WRECK. Frankly, we loved it, and we don’t like very much SF. Where did the ideas for this novel come from, and how did you manage to make them so distinct?

I love old-time sf—the rockets and rayguns stuff that the print version of sf hasn’t seen for years. Adventure fiction for lack of a better term. I read an article about diving old ships in the ocean, and realized that some day someone would dive old spaceships (I hope!), and that got me the first section. That—and stories my husband Dean Wesley Smith has told about diving for bodies with search-and-rescue in Idaho. (He’s done almost everything, that man.) Then I saw an article about cremated ashes left in the basement of the Oregon Mental Hospital (the same one Ken Kesey wrote about in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest). The ashes had no names, only numbers, and the key was lost. The paper was calling it a room of lost names. I got lost souls from that, dunno how, and that became the novella, “The Room of Lost Souls.” Halfway through writing it, I realized that this was part of the same story as “Diving.” And then I had to finish it all. There’s more, you know. Just sold Asimov’s another novella in Boss’s world. And in 2009, published another in Asimov’s called “The Spires of Denon,” which is set in the Diving world, but doesn’t involve Boss.

We mentioned in our review of DIVING that we were impressed with how accessible the novel was. Was this a goal of yours when you began writing this novel? If so, why was it important for you?

I want people to read science fiction. I’m a former science fiction editor and I can’t read half the novels published out there. That’s just wrong. SF was one of my biggest escapes as a kid. I still love the TV shows (Stargate: Universe, anyone?) and the movies, but the many of the sf print people put that down as “unoriginal” or “has been done before.” (Just this month got a professional reviewer comment on one of my short stories that it was a great story, but not worth calling a good sf story because it didn’t do anything new.)

Here’s the crazy thing: if you made that the criteria for any other genre, the genre wouldn’t exist. Murder? It’s been done before. Romance? You had that in your last book. As my college creative writing professor said on day one of class: There are seven plots. Shakespeare did them better than anyone. If that scares you, leave now.

Any plans for future stories set in the DIVING universe with Boss as a PoV?

Oh, yes.

What do you consider the best book you’ve written so far?

The one I just mailed off. It’s always that way. And it’ll always be a different book that no one has seen—except Dean, who is my first reader.

You’ve been writing SF for quite a while now. What are some of the recent trends that you like and dislike about SF?

I love the kick-butt heroines that are taking over the field. Just love .’em. And I’m happy that so many editors, especially in books, are going back to the adventure side of the field, no longer caring about that “this has to be new” thing. I love the way that YA has taken over sf. You want good sf? Go to the YA section of the bookstore. As for the stuff I don’t like, see my other answer, above.

We are going to put you on the spot a little here, so don’t kill us. A few years ago at WorldCon in Los Angeles, you mentioned something on panel that stuck with us. When discussing the blending of genres, you mentioned that you felt Mystery was a style, not a genre. Do you still feel this is true? Why is mystery such a large part of the novels you write?

I did? Jeez I sound so smart on panels, and I’m really just spitballing. I may have meant that noir is a style—Chandler is all about voice, for example. In fact, a lot of mystery is all about voice because—you know—murder and crime has been done before.

I think mystery is my most natural genre. I see the dark side of everything—criminals lurking in every corner. Plus I naturally think about how to break the rules. So I write stories where criminals (usually) get their comeuppance, but the fun for me is figuring out how they would break the rules—and how someone would stop them.

If you could recommend good, accessible SF to hesitant readers, what novels would you recommend, and why?

I used to say read the best of the year volumes, but there are too many and one has become dang near unreadable lately. I will say pick up Asimov’s. Right now, Sheila Williams is publishing some of the best sf in the field. And read more than one issue. She publishes everything from the hard-to-understand slipstream stuff for the old timers, to action/adventure for folks like me. And then there’s Connie Willis: To Say Nothing of the Dog, for example, for good time travel. Scott Westerfeld The Uglies (This is YA). Jack McDevitt’s novels. Mostly, though, I’d suggest picking up an SF book, and reading the opening two or three pages. If you get lost, put it down. That author’s not for you. (My rule is that if they have more than 3 made-up unrecognizable words in the first 3 pages, then I won’t read the rest of the book. It starts hard and gets harder.) If they hook you, buy it. And step outside the genre section. YA and romance have some good sf (check out Linnea Sinclair in romance). You just have to find it.

As busy as you are, do you get a chance to read much? What authors get you excited?

I read every day. And authors new to me get me really excited. So do good books. Every month I do a recommended reading list on my blog. I make a point of citing all the stuff I think is good there. http://kriswrites.com/category/reading/

How do you go about the writing process, and for you, what is the most enjoyable aspect of it all?

I love to write new stuff. I hate writing the end. I used to skip right over that part. (I’m better now). My stories often arrive out of order, and that can be irritating, but fun as well. I never know what’ll happen next—not even in my own brain.

What’s next for Kristine Kathyrn Rusch, or your other pseudonyms for that matter?

A short story collection will come out in the spring called Recovering Apollo 8 and Other Stories. I have a lot of short fiction appearing this year. Then early next year, Kristine Grayson—my goofy funny romance pen name (once heralded as the Queen of Paranormal Romance)—will make a return appearance with a novel called The Charming Way. And there’s more in negotiation and under discussion. I just can’t confirm any of it yet.

Ready for a tough question, Kris? Who do we have to bribe…err, talk with to get cameos in your next novel? We make really good cookies.

Cookies—months of cookies—would do it.

Kris, it’s been a pleasure talking with you. We’ll have you on our Hugo ballots. Any last words for the readers?

Thank you for the request (and the Hugo rec!) For the readers, lemme say this: I can’t do it without you. You’re the best. Thanks for buying and enjoying my work.

STARSHIP: FLAGSHIP is the fifth, and concluding, book in the STARSHIP series, which is an entry in the Birthright Universe. If you are not familiar with Mike Resnick, and his Birthright Universe, we'll give you a quick lesson. Resnick is as decorated as an author can be with almost 60 published novels, a couple hundred short stories, 30 or so Hugo nominations, and 5 of those which he has won. The guy knows his writing.

The Birthright Universe is a 20,000 year long story that encompasses Man's rise to Galactic adventures, and his subsequent fall. Ambitious doesn't even begin to describe the project Mr. Resnick is working on.

The STARSHIP series is a Space Opera about the final phases in the Republic stage of Man's Galactic experience, and the beginning of the Democracy. Rogue Naval officer, Wilson Cole, and his ship the Theodore Roosevelt, formerly of the Republic's Galactic Navy, take the stage for the telling of this story. In this final chapter of the STARSHIP series Cole and his extremely small group of revolutionaries square off against a Republic of 60,000+ worlds and a Navy of ships--most of which outclass even the Teddy R--in an attempt to overthrow the government. No small feat...or so one would think.

Our biggest complaint (of only a few candidates to be honest) was that this is an -or should be- impossible feat. Cole's rogue Navy has 800 ships, against 300+ million, almost all of which are outgunned, so obviously open military action is ruled out. Duh. Well what does that leave? Guerrilla warfare, a propaganda campaign, sabotage, etc., are the usual suspects. There is a problem with that. Cole only has a very small, but dedicated, group of supporters, against the population of the Republic. There's no way he could pull off a Galaxy-wide propaganda campaign against the most powerful government the Galaxy has seen. Yet, everything enfolds (with one minute, early exception) unbelievably easy. That sound you hear is us groaning every time Cole succeeds in outwitting the Republic. Remember, the Republic has the population of 60,000+ worlds. You mean to tell us that the leaders couldn't find JUST ONE PERSON who could see through Wilson Cole's deception? Puuuuh-lease! (In case you were curious, Steve did snap his fingers back-and-forth while saying "Puuuuh-lease." It added quite a bit to the presentation. We promise.)

Now, this isn't to say there isn't any tension. There was plenty as we approached the outcome of the series. But in reality, this is more of a testament to Mr. Resnick's ability to engage the reader with his writing and sweep them along. We really just wanted a disaster or two...but instead we were disappointed every time things slid so easily and effortlessly into place. The ending wasn't exactly what we expected, but the resolution of the book still came about with really no effort.

Speaking of the ending, the last 1/5th of the book came completely out of nowhere, with no foreshadowing whatsoever. It wasn't quite Deus Ex, and it was a satisfying read while keeping the pages turning. But, it was still ridiculously convenient, and truthfully, a bit sloppy. It was as if Resnick knew he had written himself into a corner and needed an out.

Another plot-based stumbling block, for us, has to do with the believability of the general population of the Republic, and their reactions to the events in the book. The issue we had, was that Wilson Cole orchestrated events that made the Republic do incredibly terrible things. However, despite Wilson Cole obviously being the source of these events, it made the Republic become a hated entity by the Galaxy. Then, when Cole and his team did the exact same things the Republic did, as far as the general population was concerned anyway, it made people hate the Republic even more, instead of Cole. It made no sense for things to unravel this way.

Resnick seemed to have the most fun with his characters. They are interesting, distinct, and clever. In fact there were more than a few moments we thought to ourselves, "Seriously guys? There is a war on, in case you didn't notice. Its time to quit with the witty banter." The dialog in so many places is very entertaining, but boils down to one-liners and quips. Even keeping that in mind, the characters feel...pretty full. This is really an incredible feat since Cole is our only PoV character, and other than him not many of the other characters get much in the way of screen-time.

We love the alien who thinks he is Charles Dickens' David Copperfield, and refers to the Captain as Steerforth. Brilliant idea Mr. Resnick. The Valkyrie is incredibly annoying. Every line she has involves some outburst of how she wants to kill someone, blow something up, fight war, not hide, etc. We got it Mr. Resnick, we got it. Wilson Cole, we think, is a superhero in disguise. Reading about him during this book is like watching a World Champion chess player pitted against a third grader. He manipulates events at every turn, and single-handedly outwits his enemies. (Mr. Resnick must have based his character on Nick...) Though this does come at a price, other than the obvious undermining of the tension. Easily half the chapters end the same way. Cole's crew trying to keep up with his mastermind plan, trying to guess what is going on, and then Cole having the last sentence in a chapter, and saying the exact opposite of what his crew surmised. Fun, if a bit formulaic and obviously intended for minor cliffhangers.

It should be difficult to review the book without commenting on the ethical/moral questions raised (for Nick anyway, because he loves to debate ethics and play the devil...err, devil's advocate), but, sadly, it isn't. The ethical question Mr. Resnick was obviously, and admittedly, trying to raise was about torture. When does harsh interrogation become torture, and is torture crossing the line. However, it was such a small (and like everything else in the book, quickly resolved) plot point in the middle that it was little more than a blip on the radar. We were pretty bummed about this.

Ok, we dealt with the obligatory quirks that we didn't like. But was there any good? How did we actually like the novel? This book, despite what we think are it's failings (and what book doesn't have them?) was actually ridiculously fun to read. Resnick has completely captured our attention and imagination. Give us more Birthright Universe please.

The plot, though requiring a heavy dose of suspension of disbelief, (Heavier than normal obviously. We ARE talking about SF after all.) was very enjoyable. There wasn't a single boring part, or paragraph we felt like skipping. All of the things that we had a hard time liking, actually serve the book in an awesome way. It makes the book quicker, light, and easily accessed, all while dealing with the expansive universe (which amounts to the single most ambitious project either of us have encountered), ethical concerns, and modern-day allusions. It is a perfect starting place--well, after reading the other 4 books of course--for newcomers to the Space Opera genre.

Should you read the book? It only takes 2-3 hours and is worth much more than that. The STARSHIP series is a fast-paced Space Opera that should be bumped to the top of your reading list if you're in the mood for some SF. If you're like us, and really if you're not get to work on that (because who wouldn't want to be?), after reading the STARSHIP series you will eagerly be heading to your local bookstore (or Amazon if you want to be more like Steve) and pick up his other works, such as STALKING THE VAMPIRE and STALKING THE DRAGON.

Other awesomeness about the book? Well Picacio did the covers and Pyr published them (with great quality mind you). Enough said.

RECOMMENDED AGE: 16 and up.
LANGUAGE: A few F words.
VIOLENCE: A discussion of torture, but no actual scenes or description of it. A couple laser blasts to the head, but as is the case with Space Opera, it is clean.
SEX: No scenes or acts, but plenty of references to the main character and his love interest sharing a bed.

Go check out Mike's website.
Picacio's blog.
And, of course, Pyr's website.

Tell them all how much you love them and us.

THE DROWNING CITY, by Amanda Downum, is the opening act in The Necromancer Chronicles sequence. The plot follows a number of characters, but Isyllt Iskaldur (how do YOU think this is pronounced?) is the main protagonist. She is in the island-city of Symir, in the capacity of a spy/government agent. Her mission, should she choose to accept it? Spread dissent, foment chaos, and generally wreck the status quo. Cool eh? Well, read on...

Let's talk setting. We have read books that run the gamut on interesting settings, however we have very rarely seen anything that resembles the Far East. After reading this book we wondered why we haven't seen it more before now. (Before your get your panties in a bunch, we know there are other novels that have this style of setting. We are just saying, there seems to be a shortage.) It is such a cool place, and provides Amanda Downum with a lot of source material to create her own unique world. The landscape gives us familiar vibes, yet remains extremely exotic due to being filled with Demons and Ghosts. A tropical environment gives plenty of fantastic opportunities for the author to exploit and satisfy our imaginations. But here also we have a problem. We were left...wanting. This was a chance for Downum to really blow her reader's minds with something unique and creative, and yank them from the comfort of common pseudo-European fantasy settings. THE DROWNING CITY didn't deliver as much as it should have. We were disappointed...kinda like a fat person eating a small salad.

The characters. Oh the characters. THE DROWNING CITY has some very intriguing characters with real potential and depth to them. Their histories and character traits are fairly unique in a genre that has been saturated with the familiar fantasy archetypes. However, as will be a theme throughout this book, the execution was somewhat lackluster. What do we mean by that, you ask? Well consider this. As we mentioned above, the plot is one of intrigue, political maneuvering, and guerrilla warfare, etc. So we get a lot of the fun, "Who is really good or bad?", "Is there such a thing as either?", "Where is the line, if there is one, that can't be crossed to achieve a goal?" and "Where do this person's morals fit?" kind of stuff. (Are you sensing that we completely dig that attitude yet?)

Part of the problem is that the transitions between character PoVs can ofter be pretty bad. In addition, some disappear for huge chunks of the books altogether. Some of the characters who could have been really, REALLY interesting aren't given enough, if any, screen-time. Not to mention the naming syntax Downum uses is downright confusing at times. And what the crap was she thinking naming a dude, in this book, Adam? A tad inconsistant? Yeah, especially considering the fact the rest of the names are so foreign, that we felt like we were unwrapping a Starburst with our tongue (something else, like most things, that Nick is way better at than you--he practices daily) as we tried to sound them out. And really, characters didn't do a whole lot. We kept asking ourselves, "When is the character development going to happen? When are these people gonna do something cool?" They also do things that are in direct contradiction with their established personalities and back-stories. This is perhaps the single most unacceptable flaw in the entire book.

The plot, with all its intrigue, was simply not what we wanted. This really isn't even an issue of our preconceptions not being met (as if anyone would possibly think we would be capable of weakness like that). It just lacked movement, or rather, a pointed movement. The flow of the story seemed more like a trickle of a muddy stream than the deafening roar of rapids that we want.

THE DROWNING CITY is not quite a dark fantasy, despite having a lot of those gritty qualities that tantalize us so. It is also not quite a horror book either, even though it has a lot of the horror qualities as well. This is good news for you folks, because people who enjoy either will find something they enjoy here. It was bad news for us since our egos are taking a slight hit due to our inability to squish it into a genre. Don't worry. We'll recover. If you send us Christmas presents the process will go quicker.

Looking at the meat of the review we want to say that THE DROWNING CITY wasn't bad. In fact, for a debut author it was actually pretty impressive. It is a great concept with tons of future potential. But it didn't dazzle us either. That said, we look forward to the sequel, and Amanda Downum's continued published work. With a little more effort on her own part refining her craft, and her editor polishing the writing, Downum may become a household name for fantasy readers.

Our final note is something that we haven't agreed on between the two of us (yeah, it happens occasionally). Downum frequently uses made-up words for common vernacular (replacing phrases like 'greetings', 'good morning', 'mother', 'lady', etc.) without any sort of warning, glossary, or explanation. Steve thought this was a blunder because it can really pull the reader out of the story. Nick agreed, but was also pleased with Downum for not beating the reader over the head with out-of-story information, and expecting that they will be able to catch on. Also, in the typical artsy analysis that has become his habit of late, Steve was pretty happy with Orbit's (the publisher of the novel) art direction of THE DROWNING CITY, and it's sequel THE BONE PALACE. High-five, Orbit. It almost makes up for your crappy production quality of the UK edition of THE GATHERING STORM. Almost.

Note: Don't confuse this series with Gail Z. Martin's, The Chronicles of the Necromancer. It seems to us that either these two authors are in cahoots to inundate our immense brains with Chronicles and Necromancers, or they both need to open up their eyes the next time they are at their local bookstore. What gives ladies?

Recommended Age: 16 and up.
Language: Nothing that we imagine could be of concern to anyone.
Violence: Not as much as we hoped, but it is there.
Sex: Its present, with a couple scenes, but nothing explicit. Its mostly alluded to, or briefly introduced.

Go check out Downum's website. Let her know that she is on the right track.


http://www.amandadownum.com/

During our adventures at World Fantasy in October, we had a chance to meet and chat with Campbell Award winner, Mary Robinette Kowal. If any of you are listeners of Writing Excuses (and if you aren't, you really should be), then you may remember Mary from her guest appearances on the podcast. They were some of the most entertaining and insightful episodes that the podcast has put together.

As it turns out, Mary has a short story collection being published through Subterranean Press (we love them). Needless to say, we were excited to read a review copy of the collection.

First, let's discuss short stories a bit. No, you don't have a choice but to indulge us. As we stated when we reviewed the novella collection, METATROPOLIS, short fiction is hard for us to review. Simply put, we don't care too much for it. We've made our attempts to read the Writers of the Future anthologies, and we just get bored. We've read short stories in magazines, and in other various anthology collections, and they are really hit-or-miss...much more so than long fiction. Perhaps this is due to authors not writing that much short fiction anymore. It just doesn't pay the bills like a novel does. Authors don't practice it, so when short stories are published, the quality seems to suffer. Once again, these are our general observations and opinions.

So what does it take to write a short story that doesn't suffer like the majority? Well, if we knew for a fact, we'd have a bunch of stories published ourselves...but that's neither here, nor there. In Mary's case, her collection SCENTING THE DARK & OTHER STORIES seems to do all the right things...at least for us. And we are picky. So when we say we liked Mary's collection, that should tell you something.

SCENTING THE DARK & OTHER STORIES contains eight (8) short stories...at least we think it does. Confused? So are we. Our review copy only had seven of the eight listed in the Subterranean Press book listing. Heck if we know. Anyways, of the seven stories we read, we realized that we do indeed like short stories when they are done right. The story "Death Comes but Twice" is a great throw-back to Victorian SF. "Scenting the Dark" is a fantastic study on fear. Every story has some great material and inspiration in it.

We could go on about the individual stories, but really, we've decided that going into short stories blind is the best way to read them. Think about it. A short story usually takes one, single idea and makes a scene out of it, so if you read it without prior information, it becomes MUCH easier to enjoy. With regards to that one idea that make a short story, perhaps this is why Mary's collection succeeds where others fail. With her experience in the puppeteer (how awesome is THAT!), Mary seems to have a better grasp on how to express things with a single expression, or with a single word. Her experiences have allowed her to tell short stories in a most effective manner. This kind of quality just isn't seen too often in short fiction anymore.

The major problem we had with this short story collection is that it was too...uh...short. With only seven (or eight...whatever) stories, we finished the collection in an extremely short amount of time. If the quality of the stories hadn't been so high, this would have been a serious deal-breaker for us. Though, to be fair, Subterranean Press is only charging $25 for a signed and numbered copy of the collection. You decide if it is worth it. We certainly thought it was. Though we do also think the cover is on the weak side.

Before we finish, there is one last thing we want to mention. At the end of every story in the collection, Mary has a brief paragraph or two describing what gave her the idea behind the story. Ladies and gentlemen, this should be done at the end of EVERY short story published. Not only do we get further insight into the story, but we gain a similar measure if insight into the author and her (or his) creative process. If you are and developing author trying to write short stories, Mary's collection SCENTING THE DARK & OTHER STORIES should be on your bookshelf. You won't get any better instruction at a better price.

We are now officially WAY excited to read her novel, SHADES OF MILK AND HONEY, which comes out next year. High-five, Mary. You made us like short stories again.

Recommended Age: 15 and up. If you like short stories, or want to write them, you should pick this up regardless of your age. This would also be a good place to retry reading short stories in general.
Language: A little.
Violence: Not really.
Sex: Some is alluded to, but nothing is shown.

The List of Important Links:

Mary's Website - http://www.maryrobinettekowal.com/
Mary's book at Subterranean Press - SCENTING THE DARK & OTHER STORIES
Subterranean Press' Front Page - http://www.subterraneanpress.com/
Writing Excuses - http://www.writingexcuses.com/

Scott Westerfeld is perhaps currently best known for his YA SF novels. He recently decided to try his hand at Steampunk in an alternate version of World War I. LEVIATHAN is a good entry into the genre, but it isn't without drawbacks (depending on your point of view, of course).

LEVIATHAN follows the PoV of Alek, the son of Austria's Archduke Franz Ferdinand (in case you didn't know before, now you know where the band gets its name--that's your useless piece of trivia for the day). In Westerfeld's story, the assassination of the Archduke and his wife incites World War I, just like in actual history. This differences are the Steampunk and Biopunk (this term will make more sense in a moment) settings. The two major factions are the Clankers (the Austrians, Germans and such), and the Darwinists (England and other "Allies"). The Clankers are based in machinery, and lend to the Steampunk stylings that the book promotes. The Darwinists, frankly, are much cooler. They manipulate biological creatures into war machines, ships, and anything else they have need of. As a counterpoint to young Alek's "Clanker" PoV, we have the PoV of Deryn Sharp. She is a fifteen year-old girl posing as a boy in the British Air Service aboard the Leviathan--a huge biologically created ship that resembles a flying whale.

The PoVs are both entertaining, if a bit juvenile. We had it in our minds that LEVIATHAN would be geared (no Steampunk pun intended) to the older end of YA. In reality, it is towards the younger end. Once we understood this small piece of info, any measure of initial disappointment faded quickly away. The characters, especially Deryn, won us over quickly. As we follow Alek's escape from Austria in his Stormwalker (think of it as a Steampunk Mechwarrior), and as we follow Deryn's adventures on the Leviathan, we are treated to a very imaginative, uh, re-imagining of WWI, and how the paths that Alek and Deryn each follow inevitably merge.

Where LEVIATHAN really shines is in the Steampunk and Biopunk elements. The way Westerfeld imagines warfare in this setting is nothing short of fabulous. The Steampunk in the novel is actually fairly light, with most of the focus on the Biopunk. Some may argue that this is bad, while others rejoice in it. We wish that we could have seen a bit more of the Steampunk area of the world, but we aren't terribly upset about the lack of it. The Darwinist ideas in the novel more than made up for the lack of more machinery.

Ultimately, the thing that most disappointed us was discovering it was a series. The next novel, BEHEMOTH, won't be released until Oct. 2010. Considering how quick of a read this novel is--the pacing is terrific, we should add--waiting another year for the sequel seems a long way off.

However, is it worth the $20 price tag? Oh yes. Allow us to gush with regards to the beauty of the book itself. Just seeing the cover in person made us both drool a little. It is one of the best designed covers to come out this year. It hints at a stronger Steampunk element than is really in the novel, but it is a stunning cover regardless. There are dozens of internal illustrations by Keith Thompson that give a fantastic visual aid for the beasties and machines described in the book. The production quality of this book is top-notch.

LEVIATHAN is a good book. Not incredible, but good. We liked it. We fully intend on reading the sequels, and buying them assuming they look as awesome as the first novel. LEVIATHAN is marketed towards a younger crowd, and serves as a good intro into the Steampunk genre. We still think that Philip Reeve's MORTAL ENGINES is a better introduction into Steampunk at the YA level, but Westerfeld has done a fantastic job. Let's face it, Steampunk is a genre that more people should be reading, and it is typically a pretty safe genre content-wise. Go out and pick up LEVIATHAN. You'll enjoy it, and it will make you want to read more Steampunk.

Recommended Age: 12 and up.
Language: Nope.
Violence: There is some, but it isn't a focal-point.
Sex: Don't be absurd.

So check out Westerfeld's website. He doesn't exactly need any help from us, but every author likes to hear they've done a good job.

http://scottwesterfeld.com/blog/

There are beliefs, of sorts, in the writing business. A good author can take the most cliché, horrible idea, and make it work. A bad author, however, could have the most amazing idea, and make it seem second-rate drivel. SANDMAN SLIM, by Richard Kadrey, takes a little of both of those. Poorly written, clichéd drivel. Awesome huh? (Yes, that was sarcasm.)

There is a blatant attempt in this novel to have a Harry Dresden-style character be super dark and gritty. The main PoV, James Stark (a magician, of course), was sent to Hell by his "friends." He fought demons "Downtown," (as the character calls it) Gladiator style for eleven years, and then managed to escape. This is where the book picks up--Stark waking up in a graveyard in L.A. after escaping Hell. Stark wants revenge on the people that sent him down to Hell. Oh, and there is a war between Heaven and Hell that Stark is in the middle of (GASP!). Were there enough clichéd archetypes and motifs in that paragraph for you? That's just scratching the surface. Oh, and the title? It comes in randomly a little over half-way through the book.

Look, the whole going (or being sent) to Hell thing has been done. A lot. Even T.V. shows have done it. A lot. This isn't to say you can't do the "going to Hell and back" thing...well actually that is exactly what we are saying. Give it a decade of rest. If you absolutely MUST do it, at least write it well enough to make us not want to gouge out our eyes.

Back to our PoV. It's OK to want to have an anti-hero character. It's OK to make him gritty and dark. It isn't OK to accomplish this by having the First-Person narrative tell you "Hey, I'm dark and gritty." He needs to SHOW us through his actions and thoughts who he is and what makes him different. And no, swearing a ton doesn't make the PoV dark and gritty, it just shows a limited vocabulary. (Except in Nick's case, because we all know he is brilliant.) As readers, we were often subjected to long metaphoric monologues and commentaries on society, followed by Stark saying, "But I don't give a ****." If he doesn't care about anything, why should we the readers give a crap about him or his revenge story? Not only that, but half the time the metaphoric language and word choices don't mean a freaking thing. It is nonsensical garbage strung together to sound intelligent to the uneducated.

There are quite a few areas, like the poor wording above, that show Kadrey didn't research much. It may seem like a quibble, but at one point Stark spots an Escalade from a distance and says something akin to, "And I decided I wanted to steal that Escalade right there." One problem. Stark was in Hell when Escalades began to be manufactured. He wouldn't know what it is from a distance. Not only that, but he alternates between calling it an SUV and a van. "SUV" has been a common term since the early 90's, so he would know the difference. It's little things like this that can really pull a reader out of the story. Either Kadrey doesn't know the difference (doubtful), or he initially wanted to have the character steal a van, and never changed it. Bad editing...though to be fair, the editor probably was busy stabbing his/her own eyes out.

Humor is a difficult element to pull off in literature. Authors like Charlaine Harris, Jim Butcher, and Terry Pratchett get it right. Kadrey misses completely. We know what you are thinking, humor can be very subjective. It's true. If you think saying "F-you" is a hysterical comeback for all situations, then you will be rolling on the ground laughing. We, however, didn't think it was particularly funny or clever the first time, much less the hundredth. Once again, the main problem here is a show vs. tell. Show us funny stuff, don't have the main PoV tell us, "Look at me, I'm funny!"

Dialogue is terrible in SANDMAN SLIM. Steve listened to the book on audio, and it was worse than listening to Megan Fox say, "I'll drive. You shoot" in the first Transformers movie. MUCH. WORSE. Nick read a physical copy, and it was just as bad sounding in his head (at least that's what his voices told him...). If you, as an author, make one of your characters say, "I think I've been waiting for you all my life," then you need to rethink your approach your dialogue creation process. Yes, that line is in SANDMAN SLIM. It's like Michael Bay writing a novel...

Unnecessary info? We got that too! The author wastes the reader's time by explaining that vampires like to kill people and drink their blood (shocker!), and that without blood they will DIE! (OH NOES!) We know what vampires are, thank you. Don't act like you are original for including them in an Urban Fantasy story (There is one line where Stark tells the readers, "Yes, there are vampires. Try to keep up." Thanks for clarifying that, chief. Have you read any Urban Fantasy in the past decade?). And don't treat readers like they are 2-year old kids in need of explanation filler.

And that's not all. After the climax of the novel, it just keeps going. It was a little reminiscent of the end of The Return of the King movie (only much, much, much, much worse) where you just kept having more and more tacked on. Kadrey wanted to make sure we all knew there would be a sequel. Essentially, the author has his main PoV tell the reader "This book is better than ALL other Urban Fantasy because I SAY SO. And I will write SEQUELS that are already the BEST EVER!" Instead, the reality is this novel won't even be worth the paperback price when it comes out, and certainly isn't worth the current $23 hardback price-tag. And no, we won't be reading the inevitable sequels. We are confidant that the writing in them will suck (in a non-vampire way) just as bad as SANDMAN SLIM.

If you want a grimmer version of the Dresden series, go read Mike Carey's Felix Castor novels, the first of which we reviewed here. If you want a gritty revenge story DONE RIGHT, read Abercrombie's BEST SERVED COLD. Avoid SANDMAN SLIM. Like. The. Plague. (To be fair to plagues everywhere, SANDMAN SLIM is worse than any plague.)

On last thing. Kadrey sets out to be irreverent towards everything religious. Angels and Demons are idiots, God is a screw-up, and Satan is inept. Aside from it being boring as Hell (lulz), there is a chance people may get offended by the made-up creation story Kadrey puts in. We found the whole religion aspect to be be very heavy-handed and forced, but others may very well be offended.

Recommended Age: If you absolutely MUST read this (into self-torture are we?), then be 18 years-old.
Language: Tons and tons. It really adds nothing of value to the story.
Violence: Yeah, but the word choices in action sequences make it all sound stupid.
Sex: Lots of innuendo and references, but no actual scenes.

Yes, we have read the full Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris. Short stories included. Call it a not-so-secret guilty pleasure. The fact of the matter is that Harris makes us laugh, and we enjoy it when an author intentionally makes us laugh through comedy rather than the alternative...

DEAD AND GONE, is the latest entry into the Sookie Stackhouse series about a girl (Sookie) who can read minds, and vampires who have come out of the coffin (Harris' pun, not ours) and have announced themselves to the world. You may not have read the books, but we can almost be positive that you have at least heard of the HBO series, True Blood. It's the adaptation of the novels. Unlike our recent discussion about Dexter, True Blood has yet to come close to surpassing the novels in terms of quality. The comedy that makes Harris' novels so enjoyable is all but omitted from the TV show.

Anyways. The book. DEAD AND GONE.

If you've been following the series, you know that all manner of supernatural beings exist in the world Harris created (adapted). This particular novel deals with the announcement to the world from the bajillions of were-creatures that they exist. It's their own coming-out party, and it includes the apparent and immediate consequences. Consequences in Harris' novels usually means someone (or something) being murdered. In this case, it's a were-panther being crucified.

Look, this series is marketed to females. We probably wouldn't have read the series except we know her agent, and we were interested in what all the hoopla was with the TV series. This is what TWILIGHT ripped off and watered-down to a pathetically safe and sucky (you knew we were going to throw this pun in sometime...don't act so surprised) level. This series (and thus, this novel) has all sorts of violence, swearing and sex in it, though this novel had the least out of all the books in all three categories.

Harris tells her stories in 1st Person, and it really lets the readers focus in on what Sookie is going through that she keeps hidden from everyone else. This is DEAD AND GONE's strong point, and gets us back on track after last year's disappointing FROM DEAD TO WORSE. Without letting loose and spoilers, stuff actually happens in DEAD AND GONE, and we get some very interesting revelations on Sookie's past. Not to mention, the ending to this book is actually pretty grim. People die...and they stay dead...and un-vampired (We can make up any words we want! We are WRITERS!). If feels even more grim when compared to the comedic tone that saturates Harris' novels. The contrast was extremely well done.

When all is said and done, this feels like we are going back up in quality. It isn't the strongest of the series, but enjoyable and satisfying nonetheless.

Our major quip here has nothing to do with the storytelling, and more with the format of the novel. DEAD AND GONE, like Harris' other novels, is a one-night read. Considering the $25 price-tag on this novel, we just don't know if we feel justified in seeing a person buy this novel for a quick couple-of-hours read. We are going to suggest you wait for the paperback, but if you need it NOW, go to the library, or buy the novel off Amazon for $14 (still a bit rich of our...blood...har har).

Charlaine Harris' novels are quick, entertaining reads that a majority of females will enjoy. Parts of them read a lot like romance novels, which will be enough to turn most guys off to them. We read them for the comedy, and as a stick-out-our-tongues gesture to the Twilight novels that so blatantly ripped off Harris' hard work. But yeah. These are definitely 'Books for Chicks,' though now we are invested, so we kinda feel obligated to keep on reading. We'll survive. Harris' characters and comedy are solid (especially her dialogue), so we don't feel too guilty.

Recommended Age: 16 and up.
Language: Not anything close to what the TV series throws at you, but still a noticeable bit for a short novel.
Violence: Yeah. Harris' novels are thankfully (for us guys) high in violent content. Remember, these are actual vampires, so they rip out peoples throats and stuff.
Sex: Uh yeah. Harris' scenes are fairly graphic, though there was only one scene in this particular novel.


If you haven's started this series yet, you should definitely start from book one. In fact, check out this box set of the first seven novels:

Sookie Stackhouse Box Set

And also, go send Charlaine Harris some emails of love. She's a good author who thoroughly enjoys writing. The one time we met her in passing, she seemed like a genuinely nice person as well.

http://www.charlaineharris.com/

Have you ever had that burning sensation in your chest? No, not heart-burn. More deadly (if possible) than that. We mean the feeling when you are reading a novel, watching a movie, or playing a video game and you get SO impatient for it to move along. You start clenching your jaw. You crack your knuckles again, even though you just cracked them two minutes earlier. And the feeling that is the perfect mix of annoyance and impatience burns in you. That's what reading THE LOST SYMBOL is like. It is excruciating. Yes. Excruciating...that is the word of choice to explain Dan Brown's latest "novel." (Dear Dan Brown: Thank you for kindly putting the words, "A Novel" on the front cover of your book. Without them, we would have mistaken this book for a slush-pile reject.)

What a terrible, terrible book.

Six years ago, Dan Brown caused all sorts of controversy with his novel THE DA VINCI CODE. It sold a bajillion copies, and forced the whole "Religious Conspiracy" sub-genre into focus. It was also a really poorly written novel. We have read all of Dan Brown's work. From DIGITAL FORTRESS to the newly printed THE LOST SYMBOL, Dan Brown manages to do one thing with remarkable consistency:

Become a worse writer with each novel.

Don't worry, this novel is totally different from the prior two Langdon novels. See, Langdon goes to a famous national building, and receives a cryptic phone call about how he needs to solve a mystery that only LANGDON can solve! He then discovers a bloody clue in the middle of the building. Following a train of interweaving clues about the Freemasons, Langdon is joined by his lovely companion Kathleen as they chase--or are they chased by?--the eeeeeevil Mal'akh. What they discover will change EVERYTHING! Nothing is as it seems...

Oh wait. Everything is exactly as it seems, because this is the same plot at ANGELS & DEMONS and THE DA VINCI CODE. America: what is wrong with you?

Robert Langdon. He marveled us with his professorial skills in, what we consider the only enjoyable Langdon book, ANGELS & DEMONS. A lot has changed since that novel. In THE LOST SYMBOL, Langdon in his third "adventure" has managed to become dense and narrow-minded. He seems incapable of putting his famed intellect to use during the novel, and is relegated to responding to ANY question or situation with a bewildered, "What?!" Now before you ask, yes, the "?!" is actually used in the novel at least two or three times per chapter (there are 133 chapters...you do the math). If you have to use more than one punctuation type at the end of a sentence, the only thing you are showing the reader is that you have no real writing ability. Young writers take note.

Amidst the the endless repetitions of descriptions, we as readers are made to suffer and endless stream of telling instead of showing. The few times Brown manages to "show" us what is going on, he immediately precedes or follows it by telling us the exactly same thing. It became so infuriating, that by Chapter 9 we wanted to gouge our eyes out. To illustrate another example of formulaic writing that Brown has become famous for, here is his Dialogue Formula:

Person 1: "Have you heard of [insert topic here]?"
Person 2: "No, what is it?"
Person 1: "[insert poorly veiled information dump here]"
Person 2: "I don't understand."
Person 1: "[insert the exact same explanation for a second time]"
Person 2: "So what you are saying is [insert 3rd identical explanation]"
Person 1: "No, you aren't listening. What I said was [insert 4th explanation-100% identical to the previous 3 explanations]"
Person 2: "Ah, I see."
Person 1: "Good. Now have you heard of [insert topic here]?"
Repeat all steps for as many filler pages as needed.

How about pacing? Brown is known for his pacing isn't he? Two things here. First, his pacing is false. In order to create this false sense of "Break-neck speed," he ends each chapter on a cliff-hanger. We felt like there should have been a voice over saying "dun-dun-DUUUN", playing as you turned the last page of every chapter. (Hey if greeting cards can do it, so can Dan Brown. Their writing abilities are about the same.) Now, when Brown finally manages to build up some sort of pace, he ruins it with a flashback.

In a particularly boring flashback early on (like the first few chapters), Langdon is RUSHING to give a speech (he only has THREE MINUTES TO GET THERE!), and he lapses into a flashback. In addition to bringing the pace to a screeching halt, we see, in an academic setting, that Langdon is supposed to be INSANELY smart. SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE! His students believe and hang on every word, no matter how ridiculous. So, if he is so smart, why is he such an idiot later, and so slow on the uptake? why does he have to be told everything like he is a mentally deficient high-school student? The answer? Dan Brown's writing is so poor that this is the only way he knows how to express himself, and serve as a vehicle for information dumps. It is also humorous that a security guard makes the exact same observation of Langdon. Pro Tip: If the characters you are writing think your main PoV is stupid, so will the readers. This will undermine your work.

Logic flaws aside (if we stop to mention all of them, we would be transcribing the full novel), and forgetting the PoV switching problems, one of the main problems is the plethora of cliches. We have the super-secret division of the CIA, and she is a four-foot tall Asian woman with a superiority complex. And she is deformed. How about the damsel in distress that is the target of a hideously disfigured super-villain? Yep, THE LOST SYMBOL has that too. Even James Bond movies have finally moved beyond these cliches.

We would be remiss if we didn't talk about the villain of the novel. Never-mind that his big reveal at the end of the novel is telegraphed from the moment certain characters are introduced. We don't want to talk about that. We want to talk about this:

How To Build a Cliché Villain the Dan Brown Way
1) Fall for every trick that the dumb hero/heroine throws at you.
2) After being outwitted somehow, point menacingly at the hero/heroine.
3) If you can manage, be a religious fanatic of some sort.
4) Tell the hero/heroine all your secret plans and/or your secret past in a dramatic moment.
5) Think--at least 3 times early in the novel--that destiny is guiding you. Feel free to think this up until the moment you are killed due to your stupidity (see point #8 below)
6) Make the hero/heroine think that they killed you years ago. It makes your entrance much more dramatic...especially when combined with point #4 above.
7) When given the opportunity, study yourself naked in a body-length mirror.
8) Don't actually kill the hero/heroine when you have the chance. Leave them to be discovered so they can come kill you later. Be sure to act surprised later when the show up.
9) Have a super-secret lair within your home--preferably hidden by a secret door. However, the key element here is to leave obvious evidence for people to find so they can enter the lair and discover all your plans in case they didn't catch them in point #4 above.

No seriously, this all happens in THE LOST SYMBOL.

Don't worry citizens, Robert Langdon is here to save the day. Will he stun us with his intellect? Of course not. He WILL however use his experiences from prior novels to solve everything with the trusty anagram. And when that fails, blind luck will do, as will an epiphany--nothing will trigger the epiphany other than Brown deciding it is time to move the story along to the next idiotic conversation (see above formula).

Are you getting the drift here? Dan Brown's THE LOST SYMBOL should never have been printed. The writing skill is sub-6th Grade level, and his story is contrived and cliché. An interesting observation: When you talk to most people who have read Brown's Robert Langdon novels, the almost always like the first one they read most. Why? Because it is the same plot over and over again. It is like the mystery version of a Harlequin Romance Novel. So, it shouldn't be any surprise that this third novel is even worse. IT'S THE SAME NOVEL...AGAIN! Of course, when you stop to think about what the "Big Problem" was that everyone in the novel was trying to prevent, you realize just how terrible the "novel" is. So. Absurd.

Don't read this book. Ever. Wait for the inevitable movie. It has NO CHOICE but to be better than the novel. If you really want to know about all the Freemason stuff, go get a non-fiction book or two about them. They will be better paced, and more entertaining than THE LOST SYMBOL.

Recommended Age: None. Remember, we don't recommend this book to ANYONE. Except maybe criminals. It may kill them or induce a coma that will save the tax-payers some dinero.
Language: Here and there. Nothing terrible.
Violence: Oh please. Just us beating our heads against a wall.
Sex: Nope.

P.S. You may have noticed the lack of links in this review. Simply put, we refuse to direct you in any way to a place where you might buy a novel that Dan Brown has written. The End.